The Best Diet

Breakfast

1/2 grapefruit
1 slice of whole wheat toast
8 oz. low fat or skim milk

Lunch

4 oz lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Oreo cookie

Mid-Afternoon Snack

Rest of Oreos in pack
2 pints Haagen Daz ice cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce, nuts, cherries, whipped cream.

Dinner

2 loaves garlic bread with cheese
Large sausage and cheese pizza
4 cans or 1 large pitcher diet soda
3 Milky Way candy bars

Late Evening News

Entire Sara Lee cheesecake eaten directly from freezer.

RULES FOR THIS DIET

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink diet soda with candy bars, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long as you don't eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes never counts, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast, and Sara Lee cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up the people around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie-related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entire entertainment package and are not part of one's own personal intake. (Examples are Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.)

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of eating broken cookies causes caloric leakage.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. (Examples are peanut butter on a knife while making a sandwich or ice cream on a spoon while making a sundae.)

NOTE: Chocolate is a universal substitute and may be used in place of any other food.